I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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