So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
