Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
