his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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