I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
