someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
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That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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