Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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