just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
