I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
