Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
