I smell stomach acid.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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