worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Sober January is a disaster.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it glows. i had to have it.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
