She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
