he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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