If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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