What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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