Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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