I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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