Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
