I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
