I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
