I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
