It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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