I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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