we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
