Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
