I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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