Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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