Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
