Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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