sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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