My liver just broke up with me...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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