i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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