I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i want to swaddle you in tequila
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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