Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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