walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
