Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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