How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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