i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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