I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
