I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
