We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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