theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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