you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
