Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
