I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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