Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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