apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
