i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
