I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
