3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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