I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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