Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
