Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
barbara walters just said penis...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
