what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
