you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just blew my weed a kiss
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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