First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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