remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
