My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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