omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
