He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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