I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
