I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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